Ashes and Smiles
by Tamika DanarDraco
Summary: OneShot. It’s been a year, just one year. Some days it seems like less than that, others that time stretches into eternity.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, however the poem 'Letter to the Dead' (Yamato's letter) is mine.

Warnings: Past Taito, sexual references, general gloom and some angst. And Taichi's dead. But apart from that it's quite cheerful.

Summary: It's been a year, just one year. Some days it seems like less than that, others that time stretches into eternity.

A/N: On July 5th 2005 my boyfriend died. Getting over him was the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, in fact it's taken me the whole year to make any headway at all. But now I feel I'm moving on. I wrote the poem 'Letter to the Dead' and I felt that I just had to get it out there. As I'm a Taito fan and I'm suffering from 'writer's laziness' I wrote this to be doing something. It's hasty and unedited and I intend to leave it that way. But maybe it could mean something to someone, or just touch a reader as a good story, but what ever it does I hope someone enjoys it.

Ashes and Smiles

Ishida Yamato drove in silence, his cold cerulean eyes fixed upon the road in front of him. Pale hands gripped the wheel tightly, knuckles almost white. Rain poured down the windows, battering against the vehicle as it turned down a small muddy track way.

Uncomfortable jolts ran through the car, but Yamato didn't care. Slowing down slightly the nineteen-year-old continued on his way, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings. Truth be told he could have driven here blindfolded. Finally reaching his destination the blonde shut off the engine, resting his hands back on the steering wheel, he sighed heavily. Swallowing hard he took a few calming breaths before stepping out of the car and locking it.

The cold rain poured down the back of his neck, soaking him with icy water. Pulling his coat tighter about him and shoving his hands, along with the car keys, into his pockets the young man set off down a worn path between the trees. The faint pattering of rain on the leaves filled his mind and the pleasant smell of summer rain wafted to him as he paced beneath the emerald canopy. Now damp twigs crunched underfoot as the slender figure walked down the path, and mud started to cling to his jeans and previously white trainers. He paid these things no heed and carried on down the familiar path until he reached a place where the trees opened out. Yamato halted abruptly, looking around him memories threatened to choke and drown him.

It was here they'd meet. Sneaking out from their parents' watchful gazes, driving to this secluded spot. He remembered Taichi's big bright eyes piercing into him, wondering if his blonde lover had escaped unharmed this time. Once assured that Yamato was fine the shorter boy would grab hold of his hands and they'd spin round and round laughing at the tops of their voices. Until both exhausted they'd collapse on the mossy ground and stare up at the skies. And Yamato would smile the smile only Taichi ever saw, laugh as only Taichi heard him, and call out as only Taichi could make him.

Blinking away the rising tears Yamato walked swiftly to the centre of the misshapen clearing, the mossy ground springy underfoot. Slowly as if some great weight had fallen upon his shoulders, Yamato fell, his legs folding under him. Pulling from his pocket a sealed envelope the blonde stared at it for what seemed like eternity. Frowning as the rain smudged the ink slightly, only to realise it was his tears that smeared the writing. Slowly, his hand shaking badly the blue-eyed man curled the letter against his breast and wept.

_"It's okay Yama. I'm fine, honestly." Taichi smiled brightly, throwing his arms around the blonde and snuffling into the golden hair. "Promise?" Yamato whispered; he'd been so scared for a moment, terrified that Taichi was hurt._

_"I promise." Taichi whined, acting as though Yamato had asked him to do something horrible._

Sobbing for all he was worth Yamato rocked himself back and forth in the pouring rain, finally acknowledging he was mad. What good would this letter do? What was the point of driving out here, if he was only besieged but the memories of his late lover? _It will help you move on. Help you to live again._

"I-I k-know." He whispered to himself. Reaching back into his pockets he pulled out a lighter. Holding the letter in front of him he read the address.

_Yagami Taichi_

_The great beyond_

_Or the big restaurant in the sky_

A bitter smile distorted his features for a moment. He hoped that Tai would appreciate the humour. Yamato knew the contents of the letter off by heart, having read and re-read it a thousand times in the past week. In all honesty it was a song, a song without music.

_"Wow, play it again. Please" Taichi was lying on his front in the moss, his big wide eyes staring up at Yamato. The blonde only blinked in reply but began to strum his guitar lazily. Taichi's smile grew wider; he loved the sound of his Yama's voice almost as much as the rest of the blonde._

_After the song had finished Yamato put down his instrument before Taichi could request anything more. "You know I write all of these without music. Words first, sound later. Something you would do well to learn." Yamato said with a smile, but the only response he got was Taichi's out stretched tongue._

_"Sing one for me! A song without music!" The brunette shouted happily._

Flicking on the lighter Yamato held the damp letter to the flame until, with a splutter, the paper caught. Waiting until the flames were stronger before he dropped the paper and let the letter burn, the rain unable to put it out. With tears still pouring down his elegant face, to mingle with the rain, Yamato watched the lames flickering, consuming the song without music.

Dearest Chi

I can't say all that I want to

There's not enough time in the world

I can't forget everything you were

Because I don't really want to

On that day I lost my closet friend

And I wished that time would falter

If only for that single day

What we had together passed by so swiftly

And now I wish I hadn't been so careless with those moments

I refused to let go

Not really believing in anything anymore

Every sun has to set in time

And the night that followed in your wake

Was cold and lonely, filled with a biting wind

I've hardly stopped thinking of you

Ever since that bitter day

Sometimes it seemed like nothing had changed

And you still held me

I knew it was an empty façade

Yet still I clung to your fading memory

Gradually I lost what I was

And became nought but a ghost myself

But now I'm moving on;

Don't begrudge me that

Don't hold my fragile peace against me

Don't become as bitter as I was so recently

I know you'll never really leave me

A fact that I hold dear

Your voice and your words are still ringing in my ears

Your eyes still boring into me

I smile and think of your reaction to my letter,

A letter I will burn once it's finished

I doubt you'd approve

Although your face'd light up to know I haven't forgotten

Everything we were can't be brushed aside

I still love you, in some dark and lonesome part of my mind

I will forever, this I know

But there's a new light for me, a new love

So please, sleep now

And leave me be, don't hate me

Just smile, like you used to

And let me live once more

Farewell, Your Yama

Eyes fixed upon the moistening ashes the blonde stayed frozen, the cold and stiffness in his limbs ignored. Slowly his head bowed to fall with a sodden 'thump' upon his chest. Slowly warmth spread from his shoulders and down the rest of his body, as if he'd stepped into a patch of brilliant sunshine. Yet the sky stayed dark. _It's okay Yama. I'm fine, honestly._ Yamato clutched himself tightly, holding in this new warmth. He wiped away the tears; knowing there were no more left for him to cry. _I always keep my promises._ Yamato stood, the warmth still encompassing him; a small, sad but genuine smile crept across his face.

"I knew you'd understand Chi.," He whispered before turning on his heal and walking quietly away. Humming the music to Taichi's last goodbye.

A/N: There it is. Please leave a review on the way out. It would mean a lot. Thank you, Tami.


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